Question by Atheist Nun aka GenaneF: How do I ensure that I treat both my kids equally so they both feel loved and special and cherished growing up?
My birth mother favored my younger sister over me. I was kicked out at 17 as we never got along because she was jealous that my grandma (her mother) legally adopted and raised me from 3 months to 11 years and my bond was stronger with her, naturally. She had me at 16, so I was her “mistake” baby, and she had my sister 10 years later when she married another man. My step dad was better to me than my own birth mother. Living with her for the 6.5 years I had to stay with her was hell on me. She is a borderline personality/narcissistic individual. I was the scapegoat for everything, my little sister could do no wrong. I was a star athlete, ran varsity track, was always on the honor roll, in all honors classes, never was into drugs or boys or trouble, but she always found something to yell and nit pick with me over.

I am nearly 30, and married and I am still working on my self-esteem. I see what she did to me, and I would rather shoot myself dead right now point blank than to put my son and my daughter through that. I find myself always making sure almost in a OCD way that if I tell my baby girl she did good on her finger painting, I go tell my son a compliment based on his skills, even if it is random…like “Hey man, I saw you out there shooting hoops in the driveway. You’re looking good. You should think about signing up for basketball at the youth center.”

It’s so OCD, to the point even if one of my kids doesn’t need anything from the store, and the other does, I will buy something for the other one anyway one size up and just put it away for later, because I don’t want to treat them different. I feel I go into anxiety and OCD trying to be fair so I am nothing like my mother. I scold them equally too. If one gets a game taken away, so does the other. I don’t play tattle tale blame games/scapegoating so I do group punishment unless I know one is solely responsible. I want to uplift them in healthy ways, not anxiety and OCD driven ways stemming from my own pain.

My mother never helped me go to college even though I was a great student and had many scholarships (never enough for a full ride though), but she helped my special ed sister go to community college. Thanks to the Army I did attend college and found my way in life all by my own wits and grit, but I make it a mission to strive to help my kids any way I can EQUALLY when they are ready to cross that bridge. I also never got to have a boyfriend, or even a teen social life. I was too busy babysitting my younger sister while my mom stayed out getting wasted or working. Then, she would yell at me if a boy ever called and tell me I am not seeing any boy. But my sister has been screwing some dude since middle school and they’re engaged now, she’s 19 and he’s about 23. So I want my kids to have normal kid social lives, and have boyfriend/girlfriends and feel that they can come to me about anything. I want them to know I am here for them, and I support and love them no matter what in life. How can I do this in a healthy way? I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way I did growing up.

Best answer:

Answer by Bridget S
You treat them as equally as you can. But they have different needs. So you give them as much love and attention as they’ll let you, and tailor it too them. Your daughter will likely be more inclined to bond by talking to you, but your son will want more time spent doing something active without much talking. Different people just need different things. Parenting classes, and parent groups may help put things into perspective for you.

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